Thelithiumrobot presents the 6th Greatest Episode of Seinfeld:
#6 ‘The Muffin Tops’
Plot: A very relatable episode. A man overly shaves his chest, another creates a reality bus tour, another poses as a tourist for the love of a woman, and the sole woman in the story wages a war on muffin stumps. Honestly if that premise doesn’t reel you in, then…then, you don’t appreciate anything!
An episode doesn’t get much more classic or zanier than this one. Jerry gets a little razor happy and before you know it, his chest hair…gone. The remainder of the episode sees him struggle with the fact that he is a hairless man, and just how his lady friend will take to it. George’s story line follows the fact that he steals a tourist’s clothes and then naturally proceeds to wear them. From this, George literally acts as a tourist and not only lands a very spicy feminina, but sees growth in his career because of it. Kramer, upset that J. Peterman won’t recognize him as a contributor to his biography, establishes a reality bus tour that covers all the stories that were covered in the very biography itself (which actually do cover Kramer’s life). Price of admission: $37.50.
Lastly, Elaine fights with her prior boss Mr. Lippman, who stole her idea of the ‘top of the muffin’ restaurant. Episodes don’t get much better than this! …Well…actually 5 do…as this is #6. Anywho, a classic for sure!
Profile on Featured Secondary Character:
We got two for ya on this one!
Name: Jacopo Peterman
Nickname: Petey Boy (this was coined by Elaine)
Favorite Movie: The English Patient
Most Ridiculous Purchases: A 27 year old piece of cake and JFK’s golf clubs.
The Only Woman He’s Ever Loved: The Suz (Suzy). Aka, the woman Elaine made up.
Biggest Goal: To find out who Bosco is. …He thinks ‘Bosco’ is the name of his late mother’s love affair, but it in fact only represents George’s pin number.
Biggest Regret: Not having enough stories to fill up a memoir.
His Claim To Fame: The pants returning incident. While it didn’t really happen to him, he bought the story and so now the world thinks it did. And without further ado, the story goes as follows:
“So I’m on the phone with Bob Saccamano, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants. So I’m off to the store. I go to the subway, but it’s not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the tunnel. …Well, I don’t know if I lost track of time – or what, but the next thing I knew…I slipped, and fell in the mud. Ruining the very pants I was about to return.”
Name: Mr. Lippman
Profession: A jack of all trades. A man with many hats. Why, Mr. Lippman has been a book editor at ‘Pendant Publishing’ and a muffin baker at ‘Top of the Muffin.’ You don’t get more diversified than that!
Biggest Failure In Life: Botching up that business deal with the Japanese company. His nasty cold, his lack of a handkerchief, and his desire to not spread the germs to the Japanese cost him and the Company the account, and eventually his job.
Favorite Flavor of Muffin Top: Peach Cranberry
Biggest Claim To Fame: Renouncing his religion (Judaism) to prove a point in order to date Elaine.
Jerry (noticing the fact that George stole the tourist’s clothes): Strange, for new pants, there’s noticeable wear on the buttocks of those jeans.
Kramer (Upon leaving Jerry’s apartment, wanting to say good bye face-to-face before he leaves. It’s important to note that Jerry is in the shower.): Hey Jerry, I’m going to Walden books to thank Mr. Peterman.
Jerry (shocked…all we hear are his yells): Ahhhh!! Get out! Get out! I don’t want to live like this!
Kramer: Now wait a second, what’s the matter?
Kramer: No, I know you…something’s the matter, what’s wrong?
Jerry (very awkward and timid): I did something stupid.
Kramer: Well, what did you do?
Jerry: Well…I was shaving and I noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair…and I was trying to even it out…and the next thing I knew… (in a quiet voice)…gone.
Kramer: Don’t you know you’re not supposed to poke around down there?!
Jerry: Well woman do it.
Kramer (mimicking): Well women do it!
Kramer: Well I’ll tell you what, I’ll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just sachet your pretty little self around the town square!
George: You know if you take everything I’ve done in my entire life and condensed it down into one day, it looks decent!
Elaine (to Lippman, discussing strategy over the muffin top idea): Do you really think we need the exclamation point? Because, it’s not ‘top of the muffin (begin increased and loud emphasis) TO YOU!!!!!!’
Mr. Lippman: No!…It is!
Kramer: My tour offers bite size 3 Musketeers for dessert. Just like the real Peterman eats.
George: He eats those?
Kramer: No, I eat those….I’m the real Peterman.
Jerry: I don’t understand.
George: Wait a minute, I think I understand.
George: J Peterman is real, his biography is not. Now you, Kramer (points at Kramer) are real.
Kramer: Talk to me.
George: But your life is Peterman’s. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes you to places that while they are real, they are not real in the sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman, which is you (points to Kramer).
Kramer (very pleased with George’s assessment): Understand?
Jerry: Yes, $37.50 for a 3 Musketeers.
Kramer (upon discovering Jerry shaving his chest hair again): Oh geez….what is this?!
Jerry (slightly embarrassed being caught): What?…Alice thinks I’m naturally hairless.
Kramer: Oh you can’t keep this up! Don’t you know what is going to happen?! Every time you shave it’s going to come in thicker, and fuller, and darker!
Jerry: Oh that’s an old wife’s tail!
Kramer: Is it?!
(Kramer backs out of the camera view)
Kramer: Look at this!
(Jerry sees his chest, the audience doesn’t, and Jerry is mortified)
Jerry: What is that?!
Kramer: Look at it!!!!! Look at it!!!!
Tourist on the J Peterman Bus Tour (to Kramer pretending to be Peterman): Hey, if you’re the real Peterman, how come you are wearing those ratty clothes? …They’re not very romantic.
Kramer: Well that’s your opinion.
Another Tourist: Can I have another 3 Musketeer’s…they’re rather small.
Kramer: Well forget it!
Mr. Lippman: So…what is this guy again?
Elaine: They call him ‘The Cleaner.’ He makes problems go away.
(a shady car appears at the muffin shop, and the man approaches Elaine…it’s Newman)
Newman: Hello Elaine, where are they?
Elaine: In the back.
Newman: Alright, I’m going to need a clean 8 oz glass.
Mr. Newman: What is going on here?
Newman: If I’m curt, then I apologize. But as I understand it we have a situation here, and time is of the essence.
(the next thirty seconds shows Newman unloading a bag full of milk, and then proceeding to consume the unwanted muffin stumps and chase it down with the very milk mentioned previously)
The top of the muffin is the best part. It’s crunchy, it’s explosive…it’s where the muffin just breaks free from the stump and kind of, just does its own thing.
Take the Peterman Bus Tour. Absolutely worth the $37.50. Not only do you get to see the life of ‘fake Peterman,’ but you get a pizza bagel and a 3 Musketeers! The only bad thing…sometimes that pizza bagel is made on a cinnamon raisin bagel…or even a donut. But, it’s worth it!